Ed

"Because life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided.
And like a fistful of sand, it can slip right through your hands.

Young hearts be free tonight. Time is on your side,
Don't let them put you down, don't let 'em push you around,
don't let 'em ever change your point of view."

I don't know if I can ever really trust my instincts at all. I have a great deal of uneasiness about things, but no decision is ever final. I shouldn't even be writing this, but it seems it takes me getting drunk to do it. I have to prepare to go back to Milledgeville soon. I can't wait to say goodbye to my cock of a Mexican manager, although he kinda told me it was ok to call him a spic. Eh, whatever.

This has not been a summer. This has been months in preparation, as all the months in the past few years really have seemed to feel like.

I'm waiting to perform.

"But there ain't no point in talking when there's nobody list'ning so we just ran away"

"You're no good.
You're no good, you're no good, you're no good."
Can't you tell that it's well understood?

All eyes on the calendar.
Another year I claim of total indifference.
To here the days pile up
with decisions to be made,
I'm sure all of them were wrong.

I think I am officially done with livejournal. I am now removing the link from my favorites. I may come back and check it every once and a while for a few people or whatever, but I think (in reference to me, at least) it's come down to pretty much bullshit.

If you've been wondering why you haven't heard from me it's because I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people and the like or I simply don't like you. You can make the distinction and call me if you assume it's not the latter (which in most cases it really isn't). I'm going to Savannah for St. Patrick's Day tomorrow morning at 9 AM. That will be a blast, especially if my father doesn't come. I should be in Milledgeville on Saturday if God smiles upon me.

I think I should save some of this stuff, too. It's a great testament to the fact that I can be a very young, naive, stupid, assholish prick a good deal of the time and then finally get my head out of my ass long enough to realize I should probably stop broadcasting it on the internet. Not to say that I'm not still all of those things.

Oh, I'm on facebook now, so if anybody's all super crazy about that they can add me to their friends cause I'm lazy and don't feel a particular need to do so. So, uh, anyways.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. People suck. I'm a prick. Let's all get used to it.

It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party.
Happy Birthday, darling!
We love you very very very very very very very much.

So, uh yeah, I should do something productive. I can't ever get the feeling to, though. Except if I play guitar, I guess. I should quit cigarettes. That would be horribly difficult. Perhaps I should start smaller.

I want Bright Eyes to come to Atlanta right now. That would be fun. I guess I'll wait till February. Oh yeah, Bright Eyes christmas album.

I think dinner's ready, and I should put in some time before I run off to Gwinnett for the third night in a row. I'm probably not gonna do it though. I need to clean myself up a bit. Everything feels like it needs to be done at once, but I really have almost nothing that's very pressing to get done. Actually, if it is pressing I just don't do it. Sad that it's come down to that.

January, January. That's all I'm really waiting for.

What a day to sever such ugly extremities.
What a lovely day, says the butcher as he raises his arm.

When the President talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
"We should find some jobs to get us broke"
"No, they're lazy, George. I say we don't.
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke."
That's what God recommends.

You've overestimated yourself. Now, you can't fend off the consequences as you so boldly assume you should be able to do. You've read your horoscope. Live up to that. It's easier, isn't it?

The best thing you think you can do is sit and think about something. Really, that only shows results cause you sit on your ass all the time.

You did manage to get things together in some areas. Strangely, I must say. It still doesn't provide for much safety. Or perhaps it does. I'm not sure. It's just altogether draining now.

And if you haven't figured out by now, I hate you.

I can't stand you being around anymore. You make no more sense. You can barely speak to me.

I, simply, detest you.

This was gonna be a good day without bullshit.

Note: this is an entry completely inspired by Bright Eyes. if not a fan, at least I give you fair warning.

"Left by the lamp, right next to the bed,
on a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen,
"Everything is as it's always been. This never happened.
Don't take it too bad it's nothing you did.
It's just once something dies you can't make it live.
You are a beautiful boy. You're a sweet little kid but I am a woman."

So I laid back down and wrapped myself up in the sheet.
And I must have looked like a ghost cause something frightened me
and since then I've been so good at vanishing.

Now I do as I please and I lie through my teeth.
Someone might get hurt but it won't be me.
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free and a little bit empty.
No it isn't so hard to get close to me.
There will be no arguments.
We will always agree.
And I will try and be kind when I ask you to leave.
We will both take it easy."

I've put too much time into the dumbest things. I worry about everything that needs not to be worried about, mostly. Every day I feel more and more like a waste. Moving more toward a philosophy major look I'm thinking about what kinds of things I would do with my life, but I don't really think I can sell my thought (I guess that's what I'm thinking would be "marketable" for a philosophy major). Maybe I can't really describe what I'm talking about.

Yeah, but the waste thing there. That makes sense.

I've been thinking I need to write a philosophical paper that really interests me. If I do it one time and enjoy it I could possibly do another one.

I'll start a cult! Who wants to join.

"I put the past into the ground
I saw the future as a cloud
If there's still time to turn around
I'm goin to

It's just one day I fell asleep
and now all day I'm not a dream
I am the first one I deceive
if I can make myself believe
the rest is easy"

It's hard to escape the feeling that I am a complete asshole.

One is temporary and the other not, I feel. It's been that way for a while now. Really, it's just probably all a large whirlwind of bullshit, but I'm not sure.

I left one and she'll never respond the same way. I don't think I'll ever give up on the other. It's a difficult thing. And I've got to deal with some crazy ex and some crazy girl who's engaged and some crazy girl addicted to everything and some crazy me addicted to everything except progress. I've got to sit alone. I'm glad I changed my room around. It makes things easier.

And, yeah, I'm drunk and stuff.

"so you nurse your love like a wounded dove
in the covered cage of night
every star is crossed by phrenetic thoughts
that seperate and then collide
and they twist like sheets 'til you fall asleep
and they finally unwind
it's a black balloon, it's a dream you'll soon deny"

Tighten the noose
Strike the match

It's that which sounds most compelling.

I'm a junkyard full of false starts
And I don't need your permission
To bury my love under this bare light bulb

Yeah, that kind of sums it up. I'm too lazy to write.

I think I'm gonna become a philosophy major. Also, learn to speak french. Actually speak french. I'm surprised I can think that far. Really, I'm a dick.

Yeah, that kind of sums it up.

16:17:25) Ross: thats very nice of you
(16:17:36) Ross: you never suck my dick when i play 11
(16:18:30) Ross: i would enjoy that immensely
(16:18:35) Ross: heartily even
(16:18:52) Ross: and that thing where you play with my balls is wonderful
(16:19:22) Ross: you are gone now, but i am not
(16:19:31) Ross: im still type type typing away
(16:19:40) Ross: leaving you a fun message for when you get back
(16:19:57) Ross: only the special ones get this treatment, my dear
(16:20:05) Ross: and you are one of those
(16:21:11) Ross: honey child, i propose: "what is the lack of a higher state of being with a double synaptic response sequences"
(16:21:22) Ross: it is rice pudding, love, that is all it is
(16:21:43) Ross: since this is such a special thing to have done for you
(16:21:50) Ross: and you are such a special bitch
(16:21:56) Ross: you had better keep this
(16:22:07) Ross: tell all your friends and make them jealous
(16:22:26) Ross: and grow the soft tuff of neck hair back
(16:23:27) Ross: you know what is possibly the greatest thing i have ever heard?
(16:23:41) Ross: milledgville is getting a strip club
(16:23:52) Ross: a gentleman's hangout
(16:24:15) Ross: because, c'mon, who doesn't love titties and cooters?
(16:24:48) Ross: ill leave you with that, my darling
(16:24:53) Ross: ciao
(16:24:57) Ross: ta-ta
(16:24:59) Ross: toodles
(16:25:19) Ross: and cooter snapple for all

Basically, I'm supposed to be reading a lot, but I just sit around and think mostly. Think about what? Usually, fucking nothing. I really am not a clean person. I refuse to shave. I like playing guitar. I wanna get drunk.

Oh yeah, and fuck women. For real.

If I could ask for one thing, it would be to regain wasted time. I know more people than I'd like. I've done more things than I'd like. I've gotten myself into more things than I'd like.

We should never have been friends. I shouldn't see you.

One more murder in this town
It don't mean a thing
Just lock your doors and drive around

One more murder in this town
Don't worry the rain'll wash the chalkmarks
From the ground

Can you tell me wrong from right
Do you know when to freeze or take flight
Can you tell me more or less
I've got know -- Confess.

Don't neglect me.
Come on and be
Be my conspiracy.

Well, once again, what the fuck?

But, hey, at least I know what the fuck I need to be doing and I have the motivation to do it. I need to talk to someone about classes, go get my job, get a parking permit and a P. O. Box. School is good.

It's also nice to find people that like bright eyes cause they're cool even if they're drunk and I'm not.

That is all.

And I think it's been a long time coming . . .


What the fuck?